


Just Alive

by greenpantstuesday (playmelikeyourstratovarius)



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 10:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playmelikeyourstratovarius/pseuds/greenpantstuesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>If you don't make it on time...<br/>I love you, and I'm sorry.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Alive

He'd never meant it to come this far. It was all supposed to be a game, a stupid little game. It wasn't supposed to continue after that night. Hell, they weren't even meant to leave the pub together.

The broad-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed post man who came by and always gave Jim his post with a bright smile. The dark-haired acting-IT worker always loved the way that it lifted the whole way to his big, bright eyes. He knew his own smiles never looked that way, nor anyone else's. Always cool and polite. He lived for the postman's little secret smiles.

It was Molly's fault, really. Stupid, sweet Molly. She'd asked him out for a drink, she'd been the one to drag him out of his flat. The night would have been better spent planning, not sitting at a greasy table, sipping a pint of Guinness and acting like he was awkward and innocent and shy. It was so boring, so tedious. Nevertheless, here he sat, dark eyes sweeping over everyone else around.

His breath caught, and his chest squeezed tight when he saw him. The postman, his big, strong blonde with bright blue eyes and an even brighter smile. Jim could feel himself sinking further into his chair, trying to avoid the chance of being seen.

"Do you know him, Jim?" Molly had asked.

Jim shook his head, tearing his eyes away from the postman for a few seconds to meet her eyes. "He delivers our post," he said.

"Right, yeah. His name's Sebastian, Sebastian Moran. Such a sweet guy, really." He tried to ignore the jealousy that flared in his gut. Molly had talked to him? Mousy, timid Molly? Then again, Jim supposed he was that way, too, now. "Do you want to meet him?"

Without waiting, Molly called out for him, and frantically waved when he turned around. Jim shrank further into his seat, cheeks flaring red, breath coming a bit quicker. Why was he nervous? It had to be part of the act. Of course it was. Sebastian came closer, giving Molly a polite smile, and then those blue eyes were on him. His shoulders slumped just a bit as he watched the face transform, becoming friendly, warm, bright. And Christ, there was that smile.

"Didn't know you two were coming out tonight," he said. Sebastian was speaking to Molly, but Jim could still feel his eyes, even though he had turned to stare at the pint he was death-gripping. "Budge over here, mate."

The larger man nudged Jim over in the booth, sitting down beside him. Very far inside Jim's personal space, if he had to say something about it. But he found that he didn't really mind, that he couldn't bring himself to care.

"This is Jim," Molly babbled, gesturing to the brunette, who gave a tight, nervous smile and a nod. "He works in IT. He's the very best, you know. The very best."

Jim chuckled, shaking his head, tracing his index finger around the rim of his glass for a moment. "Now, Molly, let's be a bit more modest--"

"He's gay, too."  
"Molly!" Jim was absolutely mortified, staring at her with a look of cold hate across the table. He chanced a glance up at Sebastian, who was staring at him. There was a spark of something deep in the undertow of his ocean blue eyes, but he couldn't place exactly what it was. All he knew was it sent a chill down his spine. Nothing else was said about anyone else's sexuality.

They all sat and talked for a while. Jim didn't even realise how late it was until he got out his phone to take down Sebastian's phone number. Molly insisted he take it for office importance, and the postman hadn't said anything to the contrary, hadn't given any other reason, so he had reluctantly pulled out his iPhone.

"Christ, it's past midnight," he mumbled, opening up a new contact sheet and handing the device to Sebastian. The postman sat down his lager and started to slowly type in the information. Molly excused herself to go to the bathroom, saying it might be a while - she wasn't feeling too well.

Sebastian handed back the phone, and said he was going to go outside to smoke. Jim checked his phone, seeing that he had put his number in, and texted it. They'd exchanged numbers? What was this? Before Jim could close out of the conversation, a new message popped up in the conversation.

_Come outside._

Jim stared at it for a good, long moment before slowly standing up, and exiting the pub. He caught sight of Sebastian immediately, a halo of smoke surrounding him, crooked half-smile on his lips. Jim waved nervously at him, giving a little smile of his own as he approached.  
"Hi," Jim whispered, looking up at the taller, broader man. Before he knew it, he was being pulled close, and their lips were meeting. He let out a surprised gasp, not having time to return the kiss that tasted of cigarette smoke and sweet lager. Jim stumbled over something, anything, trying to sound less like a bumbling idiot and more like he knew what the hell was going on here.

"I know what you are," Sebastian said, before Jim could get out a coherent sentence. "Jim Moriarty, consulting criminal. The only one in the world, if I'm not mistaken."Jim was absolutely taken aback. Absolutely shocked. Of the many months that he had been working in IT, no one had ever suspected anything different. This man must have done his homework. Impressive. "Next you're going to tell me you're undercover, too, and want in," he purred, dropping his act and arching a brow. Sebastian smirked in return, so Jim continued. "How about I take you home for a night, so I can catalogue your... _special skills_?"

Of course Sebastian said yes. The night was an amazing one. Sebastian seemed to know how to do things that no one else could ever do to him, make him feel things no one else had ever been able to make him feel. It was sublime, it was perfect, it was the moment that he decided that Sebastian Moran would have to stay.

In the office, they present it as a relationship, that they're dating. Sebastian doesn't seem to mind it, and it doesn't make Jim feel as uncomfortable as he thought it would. It's brilliant, their dynamic. They were so different, but alike enough that they could complete each other, make each other whole.

Jim realised he loved Sebastian one morning as his alarm drug him from his dreams. It was no different than any other morning, really. Waking up and peeling his face from Sebastian's bare chest, blinking his eyes open and looking up into blue eyes that were already awake and alert. But this morning in particular, those blue eyes held something especially affectionate, something he'd never seen from any other person before. He sighed, lifting himself up on his elbow, looking down at his Sebastian, lips parting, tongue trying to let the words go, fighting with himself against instinct. Sebastian watched the struggle for a moment, before murmuring a soft 'I know,' and pressing his lips to Jim's in a gentle, tender kiss.

It wasn't until months later that he was actually able to say the words. They were so tired, so tired from making plans for his final confrontation with Holmes. He climbed into bed in just his pants, curling against Sebastian's completely naked form. "I love you," he finally whispered into the turn of the sniper's shoulder. The man tensed for a moment, before pulling Jim closer, tighter, enveloping him in warmth and safety and comfort.

"I love you, too," Sebastian murmured back, and Jim's heart swelled with joy. He was enveloped in a warm, loving kiss, a kiss that progressed into the longest, most tender session of lovemaking either of them had ever experienced.

Jim was woken up the next morning by his text tone on his phone. Carefully, he rolled away from Sebastian, who was sound asleep and would remain asleep. It was too early, and they were up together too late the previous night for the sniper to be anything close to alert. The text was from Holmes, asking him to come and play, asking him to meet him on the roof of St. Bart's. This was moving too fast, faster than he and Sebastian had planned. This was not how this was supposed to go. He was not supposed to go today.  
Yet, he found himself dressing in his sharpest suit, shining his shoes, clipping his tie down. He looked toward his Sebastian, still fast asleep in bed. He dug in the nightstand for a pad of paper and pen, clenching his jaw against tears as he scrawled a note for the sniper.

_Sebastian,_

_Holmes wanted to see me early. I'm at St. Bart's.  
If you don't make it on time...  
I love you, and I'm sorry._

_Jim x_

Now here he was. Waiting. He was perched on the ledge, looking down at the few cars that were out and about at this hour. Too early, it was too early for ordinary people to be awake. His mind flashed to Sebastian again, and he frowned.

Almost as if on cue, his phone started to ring. The caller ID read 'Bastian,' and the photo was a goofy one that he and the sniper had taken together to post online, to maintain the image of a real relationship. It was something Jim had grown to actually adore, though. They looked so happy.

The door to the roof opened, and Jim didn't look up, keeping his phone gripped tightly in his palm.

"Well, here we are at last. You and me, Sherlock. And our problem, the final problem." He slowly raised his phone, eyes fixed somewhere in the middle distance. "Stayin' aliiive...it's so boring, isn't it?" He violently pressed his thumb against the rejection button, and tucked his phone away, back into his pocket. "It's just...staying."

**Author's Note:**

> guh, i'm sorrynotsorry for this. heartbreaking, i know. but that's what i'm good at, eh? feel free to leave me a comment here or in my tumblr [ask box](http://greenpantstuesday.tumblr.com/ask).  
> thanks for reading!


End file.
